I see so many people stuck and disappointed in their relationships. They go from one relationship to another, hoping the next one will be better, happier, and healthier but often after a few months, the same issues start to raise their ugly head and people start to feel resentful, neglected and disappointed that they made another big mistake.
Why are relationships so challenging and needing so much hard work? That's a question many of my clients ask. Although it is a very good question, they don't always like the answer. The truth is most people have no idea how to recognize a healthy relationship. Most people are so invested in finding someone who is interested and available that they may settle for the wrapping, before examine the package inside. Of course, we all know we want to be happy, treated well, have someone who is kind and thoughtful, but how many people settle for much less and end up in misery, feeling trapped or manipulated rather than living happily ever after?
Another problem is that often people don't pay attention to the red flags showing up earlier in the relationship. They know it is there but hope it will magically disappear if ignored. Usually it's the reverse that happens. The small red flags become bigger issues as time goes by. Most of us are attracted to a partner, who ends up having many similar characteristics, both good and bad, that also fits one or both of our parents. How many of us have parents living in healthy and loving relationships? Not too many, because they chose people like their parents, and the cycle continues.
If you want a healthy relationship, you have to break the cycle and not look for only what feels comfortable or sounds familiar. Just because it feels comfortable, just because that person seems interested, doesn't necessary mean that it is healthy or positive? You need to find out more and look further before committing to the relationship. If you find that you tend to attract the same person over and over again, one that is narcissistic, dishonest, controlling, angry, emotionally unavailable, dramatic or a manipulator, you need to understand and be more conscious of your patterns before you can break them.
Having challenges in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean it needs to end. Many issues can be negotiated and resolved, but they need to be addressed first.
Read this list and score how your relationship measures up.
By answering these questions, you will know how your relationship is really doing. No relationship is perfect and no one is asking for perfection. If you believe that everyone deserves to feel respected, valued and safe in a relationship, but you are not feeling that you are receiving this care, then you do have choices. There are always choices.
Another simple way to assess your relationship is to pretend you are speaking to someone you feel very close to and who you adore. Pretend that person wanted to marry someone with the same personality and challenges that your partner possessed. What would be your advice?
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